From Three´s company to a foursome.....definitely not cool
It is time for me to delve into my living situation. I know that I mentioned that I was living with two older men, Victor and Cesar, and that only every blue moon would Victor´s wife come and stay a couple of days. Well, this time the ¨staying for a couple of days¨ has been ¨living for two weeks¨ and I am starting to lose my mind. And the worst thing about it is I think she is starting to like me. Not like like me, well, who knows, she is crazy. So I think I mentioned before that she sleeps in a closet full of junk. There is her cot, Victor´s hunting crap, dog food, and two smelly dogs....sara´s sister is crazy too, freaking barks at me all the time and stares at me with bad intentions. I do not like the dog.
In our time together, I´ve had some interesting run-ins with Raquel....Run in numero uno: One day I was brushing my teeth, getting ready for another riveting day in Rosario, and I was standing outside the b room, brushing away, when the two dogs just start barking at me for no reason. Obviously it all was started by Sara´s bitch of a sister, and Raquel was in the kitchen. As she comes out to yell at the dogs, she turns and sees me standing there and throws her arm to her chest and yells, ¨Oh my God! You Scared ME! You are like a ghost¨ I immediately appologize and tell her that I was just brushing my teeth....aka calm the fuzz down...Run in numero dos: I was in the kitchen washing dishes and talking with Victor. Raquel enters and walks directly behind me and asks me to move over while she grabs a plate from the dish rack immediately to my right. As soon as she grabs the plate she turns and looks at me and does the same thing all over again. She grabs her chest, makes a backwards fainting motion, and says ¨YOU SCARED ME!! Where did you come from??? You are like a Ghost!¨But the worst thing was her eyes....they were twisted. She had this soul piercing stare that almost broke me. It was like she was mad at me, like I was intentionally trying to hurt her. I appologized again for her not seeing me, and I asked her how it was possible if she asked me to move to get a plate that she didn´t see me. She said that she aske Victor to move. I have no idea. All I know is that she is crazy, and Victor was no help in the matter. He was just laughing his ass off in the background saying ¨OOOHHHHHHH ESCOT......yeah yeah, she was talking to me, she didn´t see you, but it´s alright now ahahahahah etc etc etc¨Whatever, it isn´t cool being called a ghost, have devlish eyes pierce your soul and have a dog barking at you all the time.
Victor is a good guy, he really hooked me up. The spot is chill enough, but I´m hoping to get into a differnt place. I can see where Raquel gets off calling him crazy, but in a kind gesture both Victor and Raquel asked me if it was a problem if she stayed with us. Who knows what would have happened if I had said yes it was, but I definitely shrivelled into a tiny ball out of cowardice and said no problemo me gustar mucho. But what was I supposed to do? Say yes, Victor, even though this is your house and your wife, and you hooked me up by taking me in, I hate her dog and she makes me feel uncomfortable and I want her gone???? No wey Juan Jose.....not gonna happen. Shortly thereafer I made the mistake of telling her that she was in her house, that I wanted her to feel comfortable, and here I thought she would say thank you, I´m glad that you want me to feel comfortable....but no, instead she told me that she wasn´t in her house, that she had an outdated marriage, that she has her own place, and only stays for a couple of days at a time because she can´t stand Victor for much longer than that and the closet gives her the freedom to come and go as she pleases. She told me that Victor Hugo is an amazing man, he has a heart of gold, but he is a crazy bastard that can be a real asshole when he wants to. Apparently he gets pretty jealous and possessive and flips on the macho switch real quicklike when they go out in public. He bosses her around, which she doesn´t like, and all he wants to do is watch action movies and channel surf and she doesn´t like that. I guess he doesn´t let her handle the remote, and i´ve come to figure out that men controlling the remote and channel surfing spans many cultures.
To give you guys an idea of Raquel, she is fifty-two, between 5`8¨ and 5`9¨, gotta be bordering on 200 lbs, large feet, muscular calves that make me seriously freaking jealous(i´ve got the most chickenest legs it´s ridiculous), a healthy belly, round face, a pointy nose with a downward twist, and a mat of black hair that is haphazardly thrown into a bun at all times. She looks like she has just gotten up from a nap at all times of the day, even after she showers. It is quite remarkable. She plays dishevled to a T, and only wears athletic shorts, sweats, black t-shirts, and flip flops. The woman is built like a linebacker and has a voice that penetrates to the bone. Oh, and did I mention that she is crazy. Not like crazy ha ha wow you so crazy, but more like a couple of screws loose/bi-polar crazy.
So long story short you could say our relationship was on the rocks, I wasn´t too down for much interaction, and yes, the dog still barked at me. I was finally told by Victor and Raquel to hit the dog if it barks and they showed me the newspaper covered in tape that I should use to give her a few light slams when she misbehaves. So far so good...for the last couple of days the barks have been at an all time low, which makes me a happy camper.
My favorite Victor and Raquel times are when they start to argue with eachother in the early morning before Victor goes to work. Her voice hurts my ears and haunts my soul. She also yells at the dogs non-stop. ¨FUERA, A LA CUCHA!!! NO!!, EH!!! BASTA!!!!¨ Over and over and over again she yells it to the dogs in a high pitched, fervor. All the yells are NO, Stop, Go to your bed. For the love of everything holy, I GOTTA get out of this place, if it´s the last thing I ever do!
Things just keep getting more awesome by more awesome. A while back I was confronted by her because she needed to appologize to me. She ate a cookie I had and wanted to let me know that she was going to replenish my supply. I told her that it was no big deal, and it wasn´t, and that she shouldn´t worry about it. That being said, a spark was lit to share a lunch together. Call it a dream come true. ¨ Yeah, sure, that sounds nice......(thinking god no, this is terrible!) What should we make?¨I begrudgingly questioned...¨Well, today is Thursday, and that´s pasta day¨....it worked out pretty well because I had an open bag of ravioli that I needed to finish. Raquel said she would go to the store to get some meat for the sauce, and that she´d be back in a jiff. I started the prep work, cutting veggies and what not, and Raquel gets back with what appears to be the spinal cord of some unfortunate animal. Lots of bone and fat surrounding traces of meat. I´m looking at this thing like, please don´t mix this with the pasta, and without hesitation she throws it all into the sauce, and says that it will cook with the sauce.....I certainly hope so! Things are going ok, we´re talking she´s serving me orange drink and I´m starting to think she´s not that crazy, she´s nice, and then she laughed. Straight up Young Frankensteined me aka scared the hell out of me. Lucky for me we weren´t going to be dining just the two of us, Mix Masta himself came back to Rosario from his travels because he missed his big bro so much and he just happened to come by the spot as the pasta was finishing up.
I know what you must be thinking, how could Mike come up if no one is allowed to visit. Well, Victor was gone for the day hunting and Raquel said she didn´t mind if Mickey joined us. She was at her finest during lunch, and I´m glad someone else got a glimpse into a day in the life of San Lorenzo 756 Piso 2. We would be talking about whatever, something not that funny, but she would bust out her crazy laugh, ¨Heeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhh, ehhhhh, ehhhhh, eh¨and she was talking about how she rode a motorcycle past a bus and gave them the finger, all while making motorcycle noises and lifting her shirt up to just below her boob. Not sure why she did that. It was really weird. I guess props to her, she successfully Young Frankensteined us again and almost had Miguel clawing for the door. Then, out of nowhere, Raquel lets us know that Mike is hotter than me. No warning to I want to change the conversation to sexy time, nope, she just comes out and says it. This time I was willing to relinquish the title of sexiest brother because it wasn´t me who she wanted the kiss from. Mike managed to weasle his way out of it and she settled for a love note. She was exstatic, and while she was stuck in the tractor beams of soliloquy from Michaels poetic justice, we got the hell outta dodge. PS. the note went like this.......Thank you for lunch. It was nice meeting you. You have a nice house. Mike Read. All in ENGLISH mind you.
Would it ever stop??? The next night I got home roughly around 10 with some groceries, ready to cook some grub and low and behold Victor and R-quesy are sitting at the table sharing a pizza. I couldn´t believe it. They generously offered me a slice and I sat down and joined them. Then came the drink. Victor was mixing box wine with orange drink....and then pineapple drink when the orange drink ran out. I´m not a soda man particularly, Coke down here is bomb, but THIS soda was not good. It actually tasted like cardboard. But I couldn´t refuse anything, and like Raquel says, when Victor invites you to something, you take it. So I kept eating pizza, which was bomb, and kept drinking the cardboard soda. I didn´t think to not drink the soda, so he couldn´t refill the glass until i was three mugs deep. Victor and Raquon were sharing the wine connection and getting toasty. More convos, more laughter, more me getting young frankensteined.....
As I´m eating, Raquel pulls out Mike´s note and wanted to know what it said. I say, well, If you let me take a look at it, I´ll translate it for you. She immediately withdrew the paper and clutched it to her breast. `No, it´s MINE!!!´ `Yes, I know, I don´t want it, I´ll just tell you what it says.´ Nope.....not having it. Then Victor asks to see the note and she unwillingly complies. As he´s looking at it he says, `Shit! It´s in English! Scott, what does this say?´ He hands me the letter and I translate the three sentences. Why couldn´t that have happened in the first place......no one will ever know. But you guys should have seen the smile on her once she figured out what Mike had written......CREEPY!!!!!!!!!
Later on during dinner she was sitting and laughing about something, probably about how she chopped up and ate the last person who was living in my room, when all of a sudden her dog jumps up and bites at a fly that was on her back. Her face freezes and her mouth drops. Eyes as cold as ice and staring into space. `That SCARED me´ And here´s Victor laughing it up next to her saying, `You´re ok, she was going for a fly that was on your back. You´re ok, she didn´t bite you.´ `I know she didn´t, but she scared me, why would she do that?´ Victor´s response... `You´re fine, nothing happened, look Escot, crazy owner for a crazy dog, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA......Raquel stands up with fire in her eyes.....
`DON`T CALL ME CRAZY you ASSHOLE!!!!´
`You´re CRAZY!!´ Victor says without hesitation.
`I said DON`T call me crazy you jerk.´
The back and forth went on for a moment and then out of nowhere Raquel bursts into laughter.......AHHHHHHHHHHHH HEEEEEEEEEE, EHHHHHHHHH, EEHHHHHHH. And they both thought the other was a riot. I was wishing I WAS a ghost.
Dinner ended up with Raquel telling me she felt like my mother and wanted me to give her my mom´s address so she could write a letter, letting her know that her son is being taken care. So now Victor has told me that I am like his son, and Raquel has told me she feels like my mom, now all I need is for their real son to tell me he thinks of me as the brother he never had and my journey to hell will be complete!
They are nice people, sort of, and not intentionally crazy or malitious. But they are crazy and the vibes in the apt are twisted. I spend a lot of time not there, and if I do wander into the dragon´s lair, it is straight to my room to avoid any more family time.